Learning communication for sex, learning communication for life

BSAB: Ask Her If She Came

Why Is It Bad?

Confession time. I completely misunderstood this when I first read this submission, but context is everything. When I first started learning about sex, one of the first things I read was to make sure your woman comes first (in hindsight, that rule doesn’t actually apply 100% of the time), and that was my practice from the beginning. So when I read today’s submission I was a bit confused. Then, someone clarified that this piece of “advice” was meant to be delivered after sex, and it all became clear.

This is another instance of orgasm focused sex. While the intent might be noble, this question, when asked after the fact, may have the effect of negating the rest of the experience. It can also create a feeling of pressure to perform in the form of an orgasm, which may lead your partner to faking orgasms for your enjoyment. That can have a whole snowball effect that I’ll address another time. Some people may feel like their entire experience is invalid if they don’t have an orgasm or like something is wrong with them if they didn’t. This is true even if before that moment they were having a splendid time.

What Can You Do Instead?

I love having a conversation with my partners about what they enjoy, and I recommend it to everyone. Just talking about sex in this way can act as an aphrodisiac. Get to know what your partner likes, and how they like it. That way you can create an entire curated experience that you will both enjoy.

If your partner doesn’t know what they like, then you can agree to explore together. There are a plethora of activities and sensations that you can try together. There are the more well known activities like oral sex and manual sex (internal and external). And there are also other activities, like a sensual massage, cuddling together, prolonged kissing, or kissing all over the body. You can even try to get a little kinky and try biting, spanking, dirty talk, and some light bondage. You can also try incorporating toys while you are together. The possibilities are endless!

If you do want to check in with your partner after sex, try a different type of language. Instead of asking if they came, ask them if they enjoyed themselves. You can also ask if there is anything else they would like to do. You can also be cute about it. I sometimes put on a funny voice and ask, “Are you satisfied with services delivered?” (insert British accent and monocle). Some people love that and some people don’t. Either way you decide to do it, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open and to focus on pleasure, not one particular act.

See you next week.


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