Learning communication for sex, learning communication for life

BSAB: “It’s All About The O”

Why Is It Bad?

This week’s submission is a two-in-one, so strap in.

Making sex all about the orgasm is like having a two-hour long four-course meal where everything is bland except dessert, and that dessert is a bite-sized macaron. Your entire meal is judged only on whether or not that macaron is good enough. That’s way too much pressure, and a huge waste of food. The same is true of sex. Focusing all your attention on orgasm will make you super nervous, which might make you get there too fast, or not at all. Either way, you’ll feel disappointed. That can lead into a whole snowball effect. You can feel like a failure in bed, and you may grow to fear sex because of the constant negative reinforcement.

It’s a tough call, but the second part of this week’s submission might actually be more harmful than the first. The idea that you are responsible for someone else’s pleasure is rooted deeply in our culture’s psyche. There are more layers to that than I could ever explain in one post. What you need to know is this idea robs you of your ownership over your own pleasure. That can create doubt in yourself over your abilities, whether or not something is wrong with you, and it can lead to resentment towards your partner(s). All this negates the pleasure and connection you are trying to experience.

The assumptions behind this week’s bad sex advice are often part of what causes otherwise happy couples to end up in sexless relationships.

What You Can Do Instead:

Sex is about pleasure and connection. If you’re only focused on the orgasm you’re missing out on all the pleasure along the way. There is pleasure in every stroke your hand makes against the skin, every caress, every kiss, and…well I’ll let you fill in the rest. Why would you miss all that? The orgasm is just the cherry on top.

Instead of focusing on the orgasm, slow down and focus on the pleasure. Explore how each sensation feels. Really try to focus deeply on experiencing who you are with. Even if that is just yourself.

Play around with what you know already works. What if you adjusted the pressure a little or the angle? There is so much to explore between the first sparks of desire and the point where you are a pile of hot, happy, sweaty bodies. Literally, volumes have been written on what can be done during sex besides orgasm.

If you’re really willing to break down your previous ways of thinking, try having sex without reaching orgasm. Find a way to incorporate so much pleasure into the experience of sex that orgasm is neither a need nor a focus. You don’t have to do it every time but doing it even once can truly expand your mind.

See you next week.


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